Avoidance Play and the Search for Boundaries

This week's play blog is a cautionary tale about using play to practice avoidance.

As I have mentioned before, this semester has become a personal journey in trying to figure out what it means to be a healthy academic, how to be the scholar I am becoming, and not lose the other parts of myself that are at the core of who I am. In this exploration, I have been contemplating routine, my deepest values, balance, discipline, boundaries, rest, work, and yes, play. This week was about all these things, but also about how I deal with stress, and having to tackle difficult, non-preferred tasks.

Originally, I looked forward to taking time this weekend to center my play around my love of geography and traveling. I had a lot of presentation proposals to work on, so I thought my play could either be a needed break from this work, or a reward for finishing a couple. Instead, I found myself on the internet Saturday night, reading about different movies that had been mentioned in a textbook I had to read for another class. One movie synopsis led to another, and another, and I spent a long time learning about interesting movies from the cinematic past that exemplify different aspects of storytelling. Why did I do this? Well, first of all, I love learning about all manner of things. I can start on one webpage to learn about a particular thing, and end up all over the place, immersing myself in all sorts of different subjects. Secondly, it added some additional background knowledge about the films that were being referred to in my text, and about which I had become curious. But thirdly....thirdly, if I am honest, what became a momentary break from work became a chance to avoid working on something that I perceived as challenging, by doing something fun and interesting to me.

On the one hand, I enjoy writing. On the other hand, I don't like writing. It's the tension that I understand most people for whom writing is part of their work, feel. Sometimes writing is absolutely excruciating, and stressful, and I feel like my brain is about to spontaneously combust. Sometimes, if I can just get started, it's not so bad. But getting started when I think it's going to be difficult, is really hard. And sometimes, it's only a looming deadline that gets me in gear. Even then, I might wait until the last moment. Like when I got two presentation proposals done this weekend, and read a graphic novel tonight instead of working on the last and hardest one. Sigh.

What this avoidance did for my play is allowed me to engage in some fun things (reading for knowledge and pleasure), but always with a little guilt in the background. And, it meant that I never got to the thing I really wanted to do (my geographic play) because I had frittered away the time I had to do that. It also meant that there were no boundaries between time to relax and enjoy, and getting work done. And this is a pattern that I am noticing about myself. I am not good at setting up boundaries. I love that my colleague Kate has a particular time that she has bounded as work time, then gives herself other time that is for her to do the other things that have meaning for her. Since I make no bounded times, I end up working all over the place. I never have time set aside to do other things, so they never get done, and I never really give myself permission to rest and not think about work.

In my quest to seek balance and healthiness in my life, I have begun asking academics I know how they balance work and other aspects of their lives. And I have gotten some good advice. One of the most important pieces that just struck me today is that of boundaries,  that I need to block off times for things I find important, and give myself permission to not think about work, and to just enjoy that sabbatical time. Part of this though, is also to work hard and steadily during work time, and not avoid things that may be difficult for me. Yes, there are times I find work in my play, and play in my work, but there are times when work just feels like work, and I have to soldier through it, and push beyond the anxiety and stress it may cause, or my reluctance to do something so difficult. If I don't make good boundaries here, they will not hold elsewhere, and I will be back to never feeling like I have real times of rest and breaks.

I've learned something this week from using play as avoidance, something that is part of the process I am going through this semester to develop good habits of mind, heart, body and spirit. I am not going to regret my play for this week- it was fun and interesting- but I am going to try to do things differently next week. And this flows into another thing I am learning: perfection is not the standard. For me, it's just doing the best I can, learning and growing to be a better, healthier person. So while I may have blown my boundaries this time (if I can even say I have any), I'm gonna pick them up and try again next week. Then, maybe I'll get to really play, without guilt, safe within positive boundaries.